Mothers, who’d have ‘em. me.

So I went and met up with my long lost mother today and I tell you I have never been so nervous in my life…oh apart from when I’ve been shot at but thats different!

We met at a park near my offices.  I didn’t even know what she looked like so I wasn’t sure what to look out for, but when I saw her I knew it was my mother.  I’m the spitting image of her.  She is tall and thin, with long dark wavy hair (the Russian side of my family) and incredibly beautiful.  At first I was a little in awe of her but then all the old feelings off anger started to resurface…I needed answers and I needed them now!

I asked her why she abandoned me, where I came from, who my father was, did I have any siblings etc. And in return she asked me all about me, what I did for a living, did I have anyone special in my life and so on.

Her answers were as follows:

She had to move to Australia because in Russia you must join the army for a year when you hit 18, it is the law.  She said her father didn’t want her to so he smuggled her out of Russia and sent her to relatives in Australia.  Here she met a swedish backpacker and fell deeply in love with him, he decided to stay in Australia and eventually asked my mother, Natalya, to marry him.  But then just before they were about to get married my father, Benjamin, was killed in a freak violent crime and my mother was devastated and not to her knowledge pregnant with me.  By this time she had no job and no savings and her relatives (an elderly couple) were very poor as well.  The only thing she could do was put me in a foster home and put me up for adoption.  She was young (19) and stupid and scared and didnt know what to do.  She knows she made a mistake and wishes she could change the past and I believe her, I even feel sorry for her.  I

I’m glad she got in touch with me, it is weird and scary having to get to know my mother at this age but nice at the same time.  I’m luckier than some other adoptees that never get to know their real family. 

Wow today has been tough but I’m glad I went through with it.  I had to lie to my mother a bit about my line of work but its all in her best interest! She is coming over to my house for dinner tomorrow night to meet Nix so that should be nervewracking but fun.

me…spontaneous, irrational and impulsive…NEVER!

I suppose you may have guessed by now that I am a very impulsive soul and I live i off my emotions and feelings rather than thoughts.  This has served me well in life but i have been very lucky!  I should really start thinking before I act.  Even today at work I was briefing my boss and he doesn’t understand the amount of pressure I am under, he just wants results, so I ended up shouting at him and swearing at him too…if you know anything about the police you know that you always respect and obey your superiors.  What I did was unacceptable I know but he has no idea the amount of strain I am under…I am this close to blowing up.  I got away with a warning, but he said next time I won’t be so lucky.

Stupid wanker.

real life hits

One case in my line of work that will always stick in my mind was my first week on the job ever as a policeman.

I and my partner got called to a disturbance in a really upmarket area.  We figured it must have been a robbery or something. but when we turned up the place was a quiet as can be, so we had to break the door down.  What we found inside made my stomach turn! A woman, who was middle class and had a good job was dead in her bed from a dug overdoes and her two little kids were malnourished and untreated.  they must have in that house for over a week and a half…and the smell was disgusting.

The first thing I did was pic up the two kids and take them out of there, the first thing they said to me was, ‘mummy won’t wake up, she’s been sleeping for ages’, I nearly cried but I stayed with them took them to the station clothed them and fed them.

How can people be so selfish and uncaring towards others.  The world is a nightmare and I lose hope for it seeing all the things that people do to each other.  Looking around me everyday, day in and day out, there are people causing other people pain in all ways.  You can even hire a freakin’ hitman on the internet now its disgusting! I should know I’ve had to do the research, its as easy as ordering your shopping to your door and it is sick, absolutely sick.

Even today I was on the bus doing some PI work and I encountered this extremely racist Australian woman being exremely racist towards Asians….I know I was undercover but I had to say something! so I did.

anyway I need to do something to make me happier, maybe I’ll put on some opera on and cook a meal

life and living it

So I’m so stressed ar work I’m losing sight of the end game, I get I need to rejuvenate and pull myself together.  I am getting pressure from the sarge, from the people I am working with in undercover, from my girlfriend, from mt friends even from my family who have decided to get in contact with me after 25 years.

Its too much but I know if I just soldier on I canget through it!!

My birth mother got in touch with me afew days ago..and its been on my mind ever since.  She rang me up and told me who she was and asked me if I wanted to meet.  I have all these thoughts going around in my mind, why she abandoned me? can I forgive her? would her reasons be good enough? what does she look like? what sort of person is she like? I think I will meet up with her, if not just to get some answers! I’ll keep you posted…

The stresses I am getting from my friends are hard because they have been there for me all my life, but being on my first undercover assignment I am not able to tell them anything about it, they don’t even know I am undercover.  Its especially hard on Byron, we are like brothers, we were even living in the same foster home all our childhood thats how close we are.  But he is getting continually angry with me for being so vague, unavailable and secretive.

With Nix it is the worst.  She keeps thinking I have gone off of her but of course I haven’t I want to ask her to marry me! But the time is not right and I don’t know what to do?

aaaaaaagh

this is how I feel at the moment!

sleep deprivation and time to oneself…

lately I haven’t had time to myself and when I do get time…it is usually time to sleep…and I can’t even do that!!

I think I might have insomnia which sucks! I dont even have time to go to the doctors. Maybe I’ll just buy some valium.  Burning both ends of the candle is going to make me slip up and i can’t afford to do that in my game!

A Poem for Insomniacs…I would like to say I wrote this but I am not the poetic type but it does encompass how I am feeling!

His job is to ignore the burlap sheet and sleep.
Ignore the wadded comforter, bed down inside the tattered
slab of cold that keeps the August miasma off their heads.
Count her scant, slow breaths until, in sympathy, his lungs
stick. The clock of light the blinds cut shows him that he is
between time. Gnash and tighten all he wants. How the starved
lions feel in the lithograph because they can’t
eat Daniel in the pit. Furious and cowed and awed. Stripped
of their skin the things of the nighttime world are
raw and menacing. This wakefulness is not him
but now a leftover simulacrum that he animates,
a secret battery. What spell will break him out if he can’t manage
a sentence worth waking her up? But there is a ritual
of summoning. They have a covenant. He has to offer
up his back and her rump presses, like a thumbprint, her seal. Contort
his arm behind him and in this way may approach the swoop
and table, palm the contour and praise the desert hairs. She mixes croon
and complaint and repeats the message he maneuvered for. Yes,
sleep. Then the spirit withdraws. On the scrabble hillside
inside him a shale plate is dislodged. A thousand fossils
slide to the bottom of a cleft. The dust climbs into the gas
and glitters. It doesn’t matter now that his constellations
won’t be mapped. His feet find her feet. The long toes and dry arches
stroke his, softer than memory. The ceremony is nearly complete.
It’s tempting to snuffle at her temple and hairline, but he won’t
profane her favor, miss the small collapse once the word
is spoken and she can descend. Her skin discovers the utterness
of his gratitude intact. A psalm. And he sleeps.

…wish I could

Cirque du Soleil baby…

Went to see Cirque du Soleil yesterday for Nix birthday…oh my god it was amazing!! its hard to explain it but I’ll try…

 

there were people standing on their heads balacning on one arm

jugglers juggling 10 lanterns

trampolinists

people that wrap themselves in there sheets and ‘fly in the air’ (i know not very technical names)

dragons

boys jumping through tiny hoops and skipping in human pyramids

AMAZING

Here’s a sneak preview I found that you should entice you to see them!!!

the theme was about the four elements and the dancing and acrobats sent shivers down my spine, if I wasn’t a cop that is what I would want to be doing with my life…travelling with the circus with cique du Soleil!!

Recommended!!!

Waiting and wondering!!!

I decided to wait! I wanted it to be right and what with me being undercover I just didn’t think it was the right time…but you never know with my spontaneous nature I could do it anytime!!!

Check out this pic of me posing, I love it

I was trying not to put any pictures of myself up but oh well what are the chances of Someone finding me on here…I’m using a fake name